Stephen Colbert’s All-Inclusive Wedding Cake Toppers
FOLKS, GAY MARRIAGE IS STILL A
CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE IN THIS
COUNTRY DESPITE THE FACT THAT
IT'S NOT.
( LAUGHTER )
I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO LOVE WHOEVER THEY WANT, SO I
WAS MIFFED WHEN KENTUCKY COUNTY
CLERK AND FOREHEAD MAGNATE KIM
DAVIS REFUSED TO ISSUE MARRIAGE
LICENSES TO SAME-SEX COUPLES.
BUT I ALSO FELT BAD FOR HER WHEN
THAT JUDGE SENT HER TO JAIL, AND
EVEN WORSE WHEN SHE WAS
SENTENCED TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON
WITH MIKE HUCKABEE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT ALONE.
JUST LOOK AT IOWA CONGRESSMAN,
AND FRESHLY PLUCKED OWL,
STEVE KING.
WHILE INTRODUCING MIKE HUCKABEE
AT A CAMPAIGN EVENT JUST THIS
SUMMER, KING CRITICIZED THE
SUPREME COURT'S RULING THAT
LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE BY
CLAIMING IT MEANS "YOU CAN MARRY
MY LAWNMOWER."
( LAUGHTER )
IT MAKES SENSE.
I MEAN, WHO HASN'T LOOKED AT A
MANIFOLD ON A TWO-STROKE TORO
AND THOUGHT, DAMN, I WOULDN'T
MIND YANKING THAT CORD?
AND KEEP IN MIND, HE'S A
CONGRESSMAN.
KING'S NOT JUST SOME CRAZY OLD
MAN YELLING AT US TO GET OFF HIS
LAWN AND ONTO HIS MOWER.
HE HAS SOUND, LEGAL BACKING FROM
FOR HIS THEORIES.
IT'S SOME GUY HE MET.
HE SAYS, "I HAD A LAWYER TELL
ME WHAT IT BRINGS ABOUT IS, IT
ONLY REQUIRES ONE HUMAN BEING IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP, THAT YOU
COULD MARRY YOUR LAWNMOWER WITH
THIS DECISION.
I THINK HE'S RIGHT."
YES, THE SUPREME COURT DECISION
WAS VERY CLEAR, MARRIAGE IS
BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ANY OTHER
NOUN.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE WAS IN A
COMMON LAW MARRIAGE WITH A TUBE
SOCK.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY WERE FROM DIFFERENT
BACKGROUNDS BUT SPOW THEY MADE
IT WORK.
AND CONGRESSMAN KING'S NOT THE
ONLY ONE WHO BELIEVES GAY
MARRIAGE HAS OPENED THE
MATRIMONIAL FLOODGATES.
SO DOES FORMER DOCTOR AND FUTURE
FORMER CANDIDATE BEN CARSON, WHO
RECENTLY WARNED THAT IF SAME-SEX
COUPLES ARE ALLOWED TO MARRY,
THEN "MORE GROUPS" WILL ALSO
WANT THE RIGHT TO MARRY.
YEAH, NOT GAY GROUPS, SOME
"OTHER GROUPS."
YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHO TURN UP
EVERY YEAR FOR THAT CRAZY "OTHER
GROUP" PRIDE PARADE.
PROBLEM IS, YOU GOT PEOPLE WHO
DON'T WANT TO ISSUE THE MARRIAGE
LICENSES OR BAKE CAKES FOR GAY
COUPLES, SO WHO'S GOING TO
PROVIDE PARTY PLANNING FOR
STEVE KING'S NIGHTMARE MARRIAGE
SCENARIOS?
I WILL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE WHERE SOME SEE A
SLIPPERY SLOPE TO DEPRAVITY, I
SEE A SLIPPERY SLOPE TO SOME
CASH.
THAT'S WHY, TONIGHT, I'M
INTRODUCING "STEPHEN COLBERT'S
ALL-INCLUSIVE WEDDING CAKE
TOPPERS."
HERE AT STEPHEN COLBERT'S
ALL-INCLUSIVE WEDDING CAKE
TOPPERS, WE PROVIDE WEDDING CAKE
FIGURINES FOR ANY MARRIAGE
IMAGINABLE.
NATURALLY, LET'S GET OUT THE
CAKE HERE.
MMM!
NATURALLY, WE'VE GOT THE
TRADITIONAL TOPPER.
WE'VE GOT ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN,
OKAY.
AND THEN YOU GOT THE
NONTRADITIONAL, TRADITIONALS.
YOU GOT TWO MEN.
AND YOU GOT TWO WOMEN.
AND YOU'VE GOT TWO WOMEN AND ONE
MAN.
( LAUGHTER )
HAD A SHOT AT THAT ONCE.
I CHICKENED OUT.
YOU GOT TWO MEN, ONE WOMAN.
YOU GOT AN ALL-FEMALE THROUPLE,
OKAY.
AND YOU GOT THE CLASSIC THREE
WOMEN, TWO MEN, WHERE ONE MAN IS
MARRIED TO TWO OF THE WOMEN AND
THE OTHER MAN IS MARRIED TO THE
OTHER WOMAN BUT HIS WIFE IS ALSO
MARRIED TO ONE OF THE OTHER TWO
WIVES.
THIS FALL ON T.L.C.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM!
BUT IF STEVE KING AND BEN CARSON
ARE RIGHT, THEN I HAVE TO BE
READY FOR AN EVENUALITY.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M ALSO
INTRODUCING CAKE TOPPERS FOR A
MAN AND A GHOST.
A MAN AND A BOX TURTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
FIFTEEN BABIES IN TOPHATS.
THE EIFFEL TOWER AND DORA THE
EXPLORER.
( APPLAUSE )
NO SWIPING.
AND A FOX, CHICKEN, AND BAG OF
GRAIN.
THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED.
THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T LEAVE ONE OF THEM
ALONE WITH ANY OF THE OTHERS, ON
EITHER SIDE OF THE RIVER.
OKAY.
WE'VE GOT A DOG AND TWO CATS IN
A TRENCH COAT PRETENDING TO BE A
PERSON.
LET'S SEE.
ALIEN AND PREDATOR AND ROBOCOP
AND THE BLUES BROTHERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AIRPLANE-SIZED VODKA BOTTLE AND
"WORLD'S GREATEST GRANDPA."
THEY'VE ACTUALLY BEEN LIVING
TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.
AND, OF COURSE, HOW CAN I NOT
PROVIDE A TOPPER FOR STEVE KING
AND HIS LAWNMOWER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAY I KISS THE BRIDE?
CONGRATULATIONS, STEVE!
YOU TWO HAVE A GREAT HONEYMOON
BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T FORGET
TO WEAR PROTECTION.
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